And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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