what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
