dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
