so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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