So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize