i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
