I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
