need another drink. this is the easiest way
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
