Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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