I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
