I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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