do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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