rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
