They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
