What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
