You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
