my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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