Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
