One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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