i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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