I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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