Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
