oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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