Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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