I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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