dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
