Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
