life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
