Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My pussy is not your playground.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
