just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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