I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
