Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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