i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
