You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
