I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
