Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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