just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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