I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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