On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
