i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
