her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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