Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
