So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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