i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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