Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
