I think my fart just growled at me.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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