I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize