I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
