you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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