six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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