I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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