he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
