Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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