saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
