I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
