I wish my penis had an off switch
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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