He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
